Who am I?

   I am a non-believer. Call me what you will, I've not settled on a label for myself, and suspect that I may not ever do so. Most of the labels one comes across apply to some extent, some more strongly than others.

   I have also been a believer, though never fully sold on the whole christianity bill of goods. I've also been, for most of my life, purely apathetic, not thinking or caring one way or the other. Interestingly, before I became an atheist (for that label describes me best), the whole concept of atheism was repulsive to me. It truly was the last prejudice I carried.

   This prejudice / attitude towards atheists is so commonplace that I will be quite hesitant to associate that label with myself in public, at least for a while. While the noble thing to do would be to proclaim loudly to one and all that there is no god, I don't care to put myself or my family in a compromised position. I think this part is temporary though. Once my children are grown and no longer vulnerable to the repercussions of my belief, I will be much more willing to proudly proclaim to my mother-in-law that I am an atheist.  There are a few in my extended family whom I've told that I don't believe in god. Interestingly, while it really says the same thing, this is very different than telling them you're an atheist!

   Obviously (to me at least), there are many shades of grey when it comes to belief. There are those to whom their god is the alpha and the omega. There is no doubt as to his existence, his power, and his prescription for our existence. It goes without saying that we in the non-believers club are at the other extreme, even though many of us concede the possibility (however unlikely) of god's existence.

   I believe most people are floating in the middle. They don't think about it very much, if at all. They are not prone to prayer for the most part. If asked, they will identify themselves with the variety of religion they were raised with. This is interesting because they really are closer to an agnostic than a believer. But still, they consider themselves christian or jewish or mormon, whether or not they talk the talk, much less walk the walk.

  I've been in and out of the catholic church 3 times. First, as a child, I had no choice in the matter. As a young person, religion held varying degrees of interest to me. I actually came close to entering the seminary! Eventually though, once attending mass with the family was no longer mandatory, my faith was relegated to the farthest reaches of my consciousness.

   When asked in boot camp, I told them I was catholic. I married my 1st wife in a catholic church. All of my children are baptized catholic, the last almost 20 years after the 1st. I married my 2nd wife in a lutheran church, because the catholic church now shunned us because I was divorced. Oddly, if my my 1st marriage was in a lutheran church, the catholic church would have welcomed us with open arms.

   I came back to the catholic church twice as an adult. After my 1st marriage failed through no ones fault but my own, I began going to church to search for some inner strength and guidance. My church buddy at that time was my ex-wife's mother, who may be the most awesome christian I know to this day. After marrying my 2nd wife, we were decidedly non-practicing christians for nearly 10 years. We allowed my in-laws to take the kids to Sunday school and such, while I was oblivious to the subtle and ongoing pressure to "return to God" they were exerting on my wife.

   Once my wife returned to church, it was only a matter of time before the subtle and ongoing pressure was directed at me. So once again, I returned to the the catholic church. This time though, there was a difference. I was not a naive child nor was I seeking anything. I listened, really listened to what was being said. Not so much the scriptures, they have been the same for ages. I listened to sermons, because that is to faith as word problems are to math. This is how we relate the bible and the word to our daily lives.

   And what I heard had little to do with faith and morality. I heard instead about voting republican, giving more money to the church, and why stem cell research is bad. We were to pray for our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, but not for the end of the war. We were thrilled to hear about "real" planned parenthood from the parents of 14 children.

   So in April of 2009, I told my wife I'd had enough. I've been to church 3 times since. Twice for funeral masses, once for my son's confirmation. I'll be back to church in the future too, hopefully for more weddings than funerals. I don't mind going to church. I understand that is necessary to share in many of the important events in the lives of those I love. I'll also say the words at grace before meals as circumstances dictate and even say "under god" during the pledge at times.

   They're only words, and sometimes it's just best to get along with family and friends. This is not to say that I would not protest were the setting to be a courtroom or senate chamber or public school. In your house or club or place of worship, it's your right to pray or worship as you wish. I'm far more concerned with my actions as your fellow human on this earth.

   Ironically, while christians paint atheists as the amoral scum of the earth, I've found myself to be very much at peace with my own morality. I have always been an advocate of the Golden Rule. "Treat others as you would wish to be treated". Another philosophy I adhere to is to "put yourself in the others position". These are the tenets I've lived by for many years. These are the rules I set for myself many years before I ever contemplated the non-existance of god.

   So I'm sure some people will say I'm evil and damned to hell. But luckily for me, they don't get to judge me in the end. I'm the same person I was 4 years ago. Same ethics, same morals, same rules. I act no differently towards my fellow man. If anything, I hold myself to a higher moral standard now than I did as a christian. The only difference is that I've reached that conclusion that is infinitely comforting to me. No god. At least not as any religion I know of defines god.